I decided to call my daily diary (not sure I will stick to it every day but I will try) Always on the Verge. I decided on this name because it sums up my life! I am always on the verge of something. Always on the verge of having a breakdown, screaming, starting a diet, shouting at my kids, taking up a new hobby, ending my marriage…… that was until I actually did!
I just wanted to start to write something as firstly I find it quite cathartic and also try and maybe be some help or just someone to laugh it if you are going through the same thing. You can just laugh at me anyway. I have been married for nearly fifteen years in what some may say is the perfect marriage. We have three lovely children (two of which are currently not always so lovely) one has raging hormones and the other watches way too much Tik Tok and much too old for their age. We have a nice semi-detached house that needs tidying up as it has way too many fingerprints on the walls, scuffs on the skirting boards and furniture that desperately needs updating but apart from that its lovely. My other half and I both work and we get on great…as friends and that is pretty much what we have been for the last ten years. I have been on the verge of having the guts to speak out that I think there is more to life for a long time and it finally came out.
I stated that we don’t go out anymore or do anything together, the last time we did was an obligatory meal for our last anniversary where after talking about the kids we were left with nothing to talk about. We did not go home and get amorous, we got in bed bloated from our curry and tired as being out past 10pm on a school night is a no!! I have a vibrator by my bed which I thought was a secret (until my husband revealed it isn’t’ actually a secret and I fell asleep with it the other night). We met very young, I was 18 and he was 21, there was a very strong physical attraction and once we were married, our first child came along very quickly and then the other two and life just seems to go one hundred miles an hour and you look back and time has just gone! When you are young and you can both go out when you like, have no children dependent on you and you are physically attracted to each other I don’t think the differences between you are so evident. Well, they weren’t for us. I always knew we were so different but liked to believe that opposites attract and the Yin and yang work well together. I was proved wrong.
Anyway, this is my journey into single life at 43 and, co-parenting and seeing what the future brings.
Any advice is welcome!